This one i'm really smoking mad

Okay i’m super frustrated with myself at this moment. Why in the world was I stuttering when I was speaking infront of my psych class? I thought I handled my hands well… kind of shook. Awkward rhetorical questions. Pauses…(Damn we were the first group and took the whole class time period too, about 40 minutes long) After I found my rhythm has been interrupted and couldn’t go with the NATURAL FLOW I WAS EXPECTING, all of the sudden, I ALSO GOT  NERVOUS. I just forgot what I was going to say, AND could not elaborate my topics and get across the information. THIS is SO UNACCEPTABLE. I ABSOLUTELY hate myself being a nervous WRECK WHEN IT COMES TO “TEACHING” the CLASS SHIT. I need help. I Honestly thought I have conquered this after multiple times of presentation and speeches throughout the years.. And apparently, after this, I start to think .. i’m not completely over it. I don’t understand though, the class and the vibe were super chill, simple and normal as always. There was no reason for me to get nervous forever during my time frame =/? I don’t think I was anxious. I used to get some anxiety speaking in front of the class, not going to lie about how I was overcoming that shit in HS. I’m thinking some of the factors that made my hand shake. (i’m not embarrassed to say that, because THIS don’t ALWAYS happen actually.) Maybe it’s because the natural shyness I have. I feel like this shyness is basically ruining my life presenting/ speaking in front of the class as a whole. But I KNOW I’m only shy in some certain situations though. Maybe the problem is that I tend to over-think too much?! I honestly don’t know….Maybe it is because I didn’t get to see my revised powerpoint from the person that worked on it until the last few minutes before I was going up there. All I prepared was simple couple flashcards. I could not go with the flow of my powerpoint when I was actually talking. I guess I just was not as prepared as I SHOULD BE? It would’ve been better if I had at least practiced once with my powerpoint and the notes I HAVE? There were multiple times I would think to myself& feeling pretty relaxing, “oh yeah, I can. I’ve done it many times already” BUT HOPELESSLY, when the speaking is actually happening, I just mess up my words and what I was going to SAY. I hate it. I’m thinking maybe this has to come from being insecure about myself when talking to the whole class. But I think again, I don’t usually give a damn about what others think of me. I don’t think i’m insecure, or am I..? I can be insecure but I can cope with that as well..! STRANGELY ENOUGH, when i’m talking in a small group of strangers, to friends or TO MYSELF AT HOME LOL I always sound perfect. I FEEL PRETTY CONFIDENT MOST OF THE TIME. Sometimes, I don’t even need to think about it. But i honestly think that there is nothing for me to be afraid about… I just feel like there is something going on. The more this happen the more I want to go out there now. Seriously, i’m going to go for the next “teaching in class” section on 5/1. I’m not completely avoiding it. I’ve written a couple papers on speaking in front of people and anxieties and insecurity problems. So I should be able to help myself out =___=. I’m going to stick with the true that we will get comfortable and be perfectly natural the more we do it and we get USED TO IT. HOLY I JUST BUST THIs ALL OUT IN a good 7 minutes. I don’t know. I just kept typing. I thought I had to do a little RANT cause I’m pretty frustrated with my freaking SELF.