The end of spring break..

The end of spring break..

Moving on, I mean, just sticking to living a life not thinking about the things I shouldn’t have done with you in the past. I’m just taking the advantages of the temporary un-overloaded schoolwork and Spring break. I’ve been able to have one of those best nights with the right company doing the things we do. And all of this sure means that I can have so much fun without you. Who are you? boys like you, i’m totally losing all my respect for you. And there is this another person, who I thought I really liked. This was a long ago but we hung out again, and I’ve already told everyone else you know that I liked you and I wanted you. There aren’t not much of big deal between us anymore. I now say hey and stuff when we hang out. We’re cool now. There was just one thing I thought I was kind of annoyed by it. Apparently you were try to hit on another, when we all know that you have a girlfriend. This is so complicated. Why do some boys that already have a girlfriend, and still trying to hit on another girl and make a girl thinks that he MIGHT LIKE her? To me, i’m just one of those kind of girls who would think that you might like me if you talk to me or flirt in some kind of a way… It’s really whatever about you, I shouldn’t even be giving a shit about anything. it was definitely how I wish things could happen the way I wanted to at the moment when I SEE you. Even if we have a thing, nothing would ever happen or even last and the thought of me thinking I want you will not even last for months without your present, not even a week or two.

Last night, like most of the nights I have, I honestly was dancing to every song the entire three to four hours, and did not get even enough of it. The best thing going out to nightclub is the music and the dance floor. I find I have so much more fun than staying in houses then i would just pass out. (Ha) All I want is to have a crowd of people dancing to different kinds of hiphop music and going super dumb to every single song. You see cool ass dance moves and make interesting friends. I’m not even kidding. And yes it is all about hiphop/rap music when it comes to dancing. Rarely anyone i know does that in houses. It’s not even about just “twerking” with somebody, it’s about the music they bump and how we dance to it. Nobody cares about having anybody to dance with now, at least all the girls here don’t. Okay. I  was just feeling to type a little but this is it.. Spring break’s over for me at the JC, got class in five hours. Goodnight now.

my problems....

I think I officially got myself into the same trouble again for the third time. And I just got the urge to cry myself out loud. I just don’t understand what makes you change the way you talk to me after the things that happened between us.

I was totally waiting for you to say hey, but you never did like you always would. I wanted you to talk to me and we could’ve talked out the feelings we had, especially what I actually have. The reason I might act a little uncomfortable was because things happend unexpectedly. I seriously had no other intention but just to see you on your birthday. It was just because I truly liked talking to you at some times. Now no matter how many times I tell myself that I need to forget it and that this is waste of time, I could not stop a single moment thinking about you and what happened. I should have been the person say hey to you and speak up right when things have happened. It’s freaking crazy that I’m doing this, but you don’t seem like seeing this as important as I do. I thought I know enough..  I really didn’t know.. I thought you would..yes I wanted you to message me first. But after six days, I couldn’t even wait for any more days longer so I said hey. but how the hell could you not understand the sentence of “I miss you” is implying? even though you said you miss me too, I know that was nothing, meaning a way of responding me that’s all. I said something important then you just gave me the face of o_o. How the hell was I supposed to respond to that? I stopped and you stopped typing on chat. 3am. I hope you fell asleep. To be honest, I’m just crying out to my friends that I want to do something to make you talk to me again but I don’t even know man. I’m already crazy for the way i’m thinking. I keep saying that i’m so done but then again, it’s not done. Why aren’t you talking it out to me. Do all of this mean that you’re just like the every other guys? I would have still never guessed that. I seem to never be knowing if I’m falling for the right person or not.

'the male privilege thing is that ‘I have a Boyfriend..'

I was thinking about "the male privilege thing is that ‘I have a Boyfriend,’ that’s the only thing to stop someone from hitting on you because they respect another male bodied person more than they respect your lack of interest/rejection." A guy came up to me outside of a nightclub and introduced himself, “HEY, I’m a Political Science major at SFSU!” Then I started laughing. When he started trying to ask for my number, I wasn’t really responding. I was kind of looking at my friend, and I didn’t know what to do or say… Then my friend started to say, “she’s seeing someone else.” Then he started to say, “..Oh.. I just want y’all to know that you two are beautiful, and whoever that guy she is seeing, is a lucky guy.”

"Y’all have a good night." …something like that to say goodbye.

I knew I wasn’t interested.. but I just couldn’t say “No.” You know? I knew If I did say no without a good reason he would walk away but I would feel so bad because we kind of, already introduced ourselves to each other?? But showing my lack of interest didn’t make him to stop asking if we could trade numbers. I feel like this person was a nice guy, and being a such a polite person as he was, I just couldn’t ignore him. At the same time, I didn’t want him to think that I’m interested to let him take me out on a date.

Sometimes I don’t mean to let the guys think that I am actually interested when I give my number. And they always think that I’m okay to hang out with them ALONE. But I’m always willing to get to know the person and be friends. 

There are so many guys out there that I wouldn’t even think a second if I should say yes or no. I mean only if you’re freaking old and dirty to be hitting on me, I’m definitely turing my face away first. If you don’t stop then it is a straight up, “I have a bfriend, so get away from me.”