the necklace from my ah mah

The necklace from my ah-mah. She told me in January that this was my grandpa's gift for her, and she wants me to have it because she knew she didn't have much time left. But that wasn't true. Even though it's been 3 months since last I hung out with ah mah , now that she's up there, will always be looking after me whenever she can. Can't wait to visit her in Taiwan &bring her fav food in summer #love #20years

Decision, School Update.

Dec.

With the thought that I might be going to UCI, my dad says that the cons is that there are too many Asians =_=. Well that was one of the reasons why I would go there though. aha. Jk.

So I got accepted to UCI, UCR and SDSU, and i’m still waiting for UCD’s dec. (rejected by UCB, UCSB and CSULB)

But I was on a forum posting whether to choose SDSU or UCI because both schools have the major that I’m doing. I haven’t been to both schools so I honestly had no idea which one would best fit me. Anyone who would transfer/ has transfered to UCI or anyone who has been to the campus want to share their thoughts about going to their school and what you like about the school? how is the social life and student involvement at UCI?  

I honestly just hadn’t asked anyone what they think about the schools, and I really didn’t know anything about Irvine myself. I would be going to uci simply because it’s a UC but I felt like sdsu has more ? I honestly had no clue and I was afraid that I if I didn’t register for sdsu before it was too late 5/1 i would regret -__- 

Then I found out that how SDSU might be a bit too much for me, even though the name of the major at SDSU is really appealing to me.. though it does show me a much better/stronger program they have. But I’m sure there isn’t anything that I can’t do if i’m at Irvine. Also realize that UCI is a university of California, a well respected school .. its a UC. UCs rankings always fluctuate. Besides that they also give me much more Financial aid that covers up almost everything than at SDSU.

I don’t know why I was a bit worried about the reputation of  ”socially dead” at UCI. And whether the students are involved in school or not. Now that just seems too exaggerating to me.

I think most of the time, if I want to stay on top of my classes, I personally would like to stay at somewhere that’s less crazily crowded? UCI’s atmosphere seems very similar to UCD. I’m sure I’ll be happy with where I end up going and my decisions, UCD or UCI. Now that this makes me feel better at deciding to not SIR SDSU and spend that enrollment fee $400 tomorrow.

My Ah Mah

my Ah Mah

Two weeks before Ah mah has gone to heaven, I was told that she was ill severely with her heart failure that resulted her disability to breathe normally and had to rely on machines. Her lungs damaged due to severe infections and coughs in her throat; she was struggling to wake up.

I can’t smile to think about I was not there when she was taking her final breath. 

i’m forcing myself to be glad that she is now in a better place… and rest in paradise looking after me. Like everyone says, she wouldn’t want to see any of us crying over her. But seeing my other family cry makes me hard to control my emotions. I’m afraid to go home realizing that she isn’t present like the past 20 years of my life. I will never see her always watching a Taiwanese drama on her TV in the living room..

I pray to her that I miss her and I blame myself that I didn’t keep wearing the necklace that she gave me before her time was up.. because I believed she would wake up.. I felt like it was my fault for taking off the necklace on 4/22. now that I get to cry for what I did.. I bet Ah Mah is making fun of my eyes right now.. I believe that she is watching out for me. Because when she was in Taiwan, she could not see me and spend time with me, now that i know she is always here with me.

4/24 Loss

I’m devastated. Losing a person whom I love and who means so much to me, I certainly feel an emptiness as I struggle with the hole left in my daily life. I still can’t get over the fact that my dearest Ah Mah has passed on. I cannot stop thinking of her and start to cry when I see her pictures. I am wearing the necklace that she gave me back in January, telling me how she was getting old and she wanted me to know that this necklace means my grandpa’s gift for her, and she wants me to have it. I was trying my best to not show my tears in front of her. I didn’t want to show my sadness and knowing that it was true that she didn’t have much time left.. and she might be gone any time soon. I didn’t really want to accept the truth and still think that she would be there when I go back in Taiwan in summer. I had my heart set that I would be back in summer and see her again but then who would know..

Even though I was spending time with her only for 2 days in January.. Sleeping next to her and eating with her… all that was only three months ago when she was still able to talk, laugh, smile, walk, eat, drink and think while she was sick. She was not weak at all

This one i'm really smoking mad

Okay i’m super frustrated with myself at this moment. Why in the world was I stuttering when I was speaking infront of my psych class? I thought I handled my hands well… kind of shook. Awkward rhetorical questions. Pauses…(Damn we were the first group and took the whole class time period too, about 40 minutes long) After I found my rhythm has been interrupted and couldn’t go with the NATURAL FLOW I WAS EXPECTING, all of the sudden, I ALSO GOT  NERVOUS. I just forgot what I was going to say, AND could not elaborate my topics and get across the information. THIS is SO UNACCEPTABLE. I ABSOLUTELY hate myself being a nervous WRECK WHEN IT COMES TO “TEACHING” the CLASS SHIT. I need help. I Honestly thought I have conquered this after multiple times of presentation and speeches throughout the years.. And apparently, after this, I start to think .. i’m not completely over it. I don’t understand though, the class and the vibe were super chill, simple and normal as always. There was no reason for me to get nervous forever during my time frame =/? I don’t think I was anxious. I used to get some anxiety speaking in front of the class, not going to lie about how I was overcoming that shit in HS. I’m thinking some of the factors that made my hand shake. (i’m not embarrassed to say that, because THIS don’t ALWAYS happen actually.) Maybe it’s because the natural shyness I have. I feel like this shyness is basically ruining my life presenting/ speaking in front of the class as a whole. But I KNOW I’m only shy in some certain situations though. Maybe the problem is that I tend to over-think too much?! I honestly don’t know….Maybe it is because I didn’t get to see my revised powerpoint from the person that worked on it until the last few minutes before I was going up there. All I prepared was simple couple flashcards. I could not go with the flow of my powerpoint when I was actually talking. I guess I just was not as prepared as I SHOULD BE? It would’ve been better if I had at least practiced once with my powerpoint and the notes I HAVE? There were multiple times I would think to myself& feeling pretty relaxing, “oh yeah, I can. I’ve done it many times already” BUT HOPELESSLY, when the speaking is actually happening, I just mess up my words and what I was going to SAY. I hate it. I’m thinking maybe this has to come from being insecure about myself when talking to the whole class. But I think again, I don’t usually give a damn about what others think of me. I don’t think i’m insecure, or am I..? I can be insecure but I can cope with that as well..! STRANGELY ENOUGH, when i’m talking in a small group of strangers, to friends or TO MYSELF AT HOME LOL I always sound perfect. I FEEL PRETTY CONFIDENT MOST OF THE TIME. Sometimes, I don’t even need to think about it. But i honestly think that there is nothing for me to be afraid about… I just feel like there is something going on. The more this happen the more I want to go out there now. Seriously, i’m going to go for the next “teaching in class” section on 5/1. I’m not completely avoiding it. I’ve written a couple papers on speaking in front of people and anxieties and insecurity problems. So I should be able to help myself out =___=. I’m going to stick with the true that we will get comfortable and be perfectly natural the more we do it and we get USED TO IT. HOLY I JUST BUST THIs ALL OUT IN a good 7 minutes. I don’t know. I just kept typing. I thought I had to do a little RANT cause I’m pretty frustrated with my freaking SELF. 

4/24 grandma passed on

it is such a tough morning for me to begin my day. First thing when I got to the library and sat down, I opened my email then got the message that grandma has passed away on 4/24. So many memories of her. All the memories with her just came swishing around in my head. Cannot stop thinking everything she was telling me when I was in Taiwan in January. It was only three months ago when she was talking to me and when I was talking to her, eating with her.. This is so hard to not cry; it’s tough because I’ve lost an important person who means so much to me. But I need to try my best to not think too much right now. I have a lot to do today….

Picnic Day 2013 @UCD

Picnic day! Drove less than an hour to Davis this morn with @yogabbap & then waited there for good hours to finally get intoxicated…hehe #sunburn #thatswhatineed